I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone...

So I realized its been quite a long time since I updated this thing. I think the only reason I keep LJ anymore is to keep up with my fandoms. But anyway, not much is going on with me, well at least not anything good.

Our house is still for sale, its been a year. We really need to sell before they foreclose on it. I am surprised that its been about a year since we've made payments, and we are still here, that's why I feel like the ball could drop at any time. But its not our fault we can't afford a $1300 a month house payment, and that when my dad passed away all of his benefits got taken away from my mom and here we are in this mess. Oh well, I'll quit complaining..lol

Next month I'm getting some visitors..since the All-Star Game is here in STL, they are coming to visit. It should be fun, even though I don't have tickets to the game, we are stil just gonna hang out downtown all day. Green Day is coming in Aug, I have to go..they are my fav band next to My Chem. But I'm so freaking broke all the time, everytime I think I might have enough to gets tickets, I don't. Floor seats are still available, so I hope I'm still able to get them when I do have money.

And Green Day's new cd is great too. I've been listening to it nonstop. And what else..oh I got my hair cut over the weekend, Its short again. Its much easier to take care of this way.

I guess that's it, I haven't been up to a whole lot since I'm just broke and haven't been able to do much, there hasn't been alot of things to look forward too. I'm trying to stay positive and hope that things will work out, but its very hard and I'm just letting it get me down.

I have been spending alot of time on Facebook so if anybody on here has it, go ahead and look for me. Nikki Rau, my network is St Louis.

Oh well, I'm tired, I think I'm gonna go to bed.

So the Grammy's officially sucks balls.

At least they didn't give The Jonas Bros a Grammy for best new artist..I think I would stab my ears out if that happened. And I missed the first half hour of them so if anything good did happen in the beginning, I'd like to know.

Desolation Row is totally taking over my iPod right now.

I have Rob icons I need to upload.

I finally got gold cups in everything on Mario Kart..woo

It makes me all kinds of happy to go on his blog and read not only did he get his Franken Berry cereal, but to hear him say they are starting a new record. Between them and Green Day's new cd, which is coming out in May, I just heard, I'm gonna be beside myself..lol

I guess that's all for now.

I got this survey from Jeannie on myspace but I figured I would post it here since I never post in here anymore, and this survey seems interesting..lol






Would you shave your head if a family member asked you to because they had cancer? Honestly, unless they needed my hair to make a wig, probably not. Obviously cancer is hideous, but I can sympathize without shaving my head, and if I had cancer, I wouldn't ask anybody to shave their head.


What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant?
I'd laugh since you have to have sex to get pregnant, but if I were having sex and the doc told me that, well then I might cry..lol


Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes..and too good at times

Do you have a bad temper?
I am pretty even tempered and it takes alot for me to lose it, I can stay pretty calm most of the time

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
If I was smart, then no, its scary to think of what can happen to me in ten years


How often do you think about suicide?
These days not so much, but I have before


What is your deepest fear?
Ending up alone, me living with my ten dogs..lol. But then one of my other deepest fears is giving myself to somebody and having a life with them, commitment is scary, and people tend to lose who they are when they are in a relationship.


Do you REALLY love ALL your family?
Yes, even though sometimes I want to kill them in their sleep..lol


What do you want to believe in?
That in the end, all this mess I'm in now will work itself out and maybe all of us can try to have a life again.


Are you proud of who you are?
Not really.


Do you feel alone even in crowded rooms?
All the time.


You're dying in 10 seconds, what are your last words to your best friend?
I love you.



...to your worst enemy?
karma can be a bitch, so watch out..lol



Do you care if people hate you?
If they do, there is nothing I can do about it, I try to be who I am and if they don't like me, oh well.


Think of a random person, and give them a message here, no names:
Chrisard!!


Has a song ever made you cry?
Yeah


A book ever made you cry?
Yeah


Is the world crumbling to pieces?
Yes it is.


Name one moment where you sincerely wanted to just die:
When my stepdad passed away



Do you plan on moving within the next year?
I don't know what's gonna happen this next year, I guess if we sell out house, then yes.


Are you wearing anything on your feet?
Socks


Do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes


Where did your last hug take place?
At home.


What cell phone company do you use?
verizon

What color is your hair brush?
Gray


Do you watch the Super Bowl?
Nope.


What is the last movie you watched?
Twilight at the theater, and Clerks 2 today


What movie do you think everyone should watch?
I agree with Jeannie..Twilight! And maybe Muse's live DVD..its good musical fun!


What is your middle name?
Marie


Do you have your future children's names picked out?
I probably won't have kids, but I like Josephine or Isabella, Joey, Hayden


What color is your mailbox?
It's brown wood


Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Nope


What brand is your computer printer?
HP

How many cars can fit in your driveway?
A few


Who was your Kindergarten teacher?
Mrs James

Are you taller than your mom?
Nope


Do any of your close friends have kids?
Nope

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?
Nope


What brand are your favorite jeans you own?
American Eagle


Do you look more like your mom or dad?
I look like my dad


Have you ever broken a piñata?
I don't think so


Do you have an iPod or Mp3 player?
an iPod

If someone doesn’t like you it’s probably because:
I'm not pretty..or I can babble too much about random things sometimes, or sometimes I can be too quiet.



When was your last encounter with the police?
Probably when me and Paulie went to see Green Day and on the way home a cop pulled us over for speeding, but he just gave Paulie a warning and let us go.


Do you sing in the shower?
No but I listen to the radio


Do you always wear your seatbelt in the car?
No.


Do you like the smell of febreeze?
Yeah


How much is gas where you live?
around $1.75



What is hanging from your rear view mirror in your car?
I don't know



How many clocks are in your house?
Alot, my mom loves clocks


How many people's houses do you have keys to?
Just mine


Who is your favorite serial killer?
Why would I have a favorite serial killer?



Do you prefer to have male or female bosses?
It don't matter


Have you ever been pregnant?
Nope


Do you watch when your dog poops?
Actually sometimes I do because Belle lies alot just to get treats so I do have to watch and make sure she goes.



Have you ever ran into a parked car?
No, but I rode my bike into a parked car once



How many watts do you like your lightbulbs to be?
Not too bright


Do you own a digital camera?
Yes


When was the last time you did laundry?
A week ago


Have you ever been electrocuted?
no


Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
I don't think I do.


Name all the states have you lived in:
Missouri


How many diseases have you been diagnosed with since you were 18?
None


Do you think you are a good role model for children?
I don't know.


What is your favorite dessert from a restaurant -and which restaurant?
Anything chocolate, from anywhere


How do you like your steak cooked?
medium well


Name all the vehicles year/make/model you have owned?
My mom has a hyundai


Ever caught anything unusual while fishing?
I was really good at catching twigs and sticks..lol


Do you have a piggy bank/ change jar?
Nope


Would you consider marrying someone who already has children?
I would.


Would you take back one of your ex's?
There's only one that I would.


Do you pick your boogers when no one is watching?
Nope..lol


What about wedgies?
Yes


Have you done drugs under pressure?
Nope


Do you have hair down there?
Yes. I just remove anything that can peek out through undies.



If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?
Definitely


You're walking down the street, you come across a burning building.
A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?
I would try and see if I could help


If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?
Of course.


Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?
I believe in ghosts, vampires and werewolves, not really.


What is your position at your job?
Sales, and everyone else's bitch..lol



What brand of shampoo and conditioner do you use?
Sunsilk


For the last one, just say anything you want, anything at all:
My Chem's new song kicks ass!!

So, my brother is still a jerkoff, I don't even want to get into that right now.
I've been sleeping like crap.
I'm broker than broke.
Work is getting busier and I'm beyond burnt out I think.
I will not bend over backwards for certain people.
I think I'm starting to realize that I really need to start taking better care of myself, mentally and physically.
I really want a Wii Fit, but I have no money and I can't find one anyway.
Saw V was pretty damn cool.
A certain somebody told me last week that he had a racy dream about me..it amused me greatly..lol
My back has really been killing me lately.
I need some new winter clothes.
I need to lose weight.
I really wish somebody would buy our house before it gets foreclosed on.
I'm really not looking forward to snow, or Christmas cause I feel like I won't be able to afford to buy anybody anything for Christmas since I'm paying my bills and all the other bills around here.
The new Guitar Hero game totally rules.
I miss my MCR..they need some new music soon. I need some new therapy.


And I think that sums up what's been going on in my life right now.

My brother is out of the house..and it wasn't pretty. Its so bad, we will probably never talk to him again. Is it bad to say I'm kinda relieved? But now I have a headache that won't go away, I haven't eaten anything today but a bowl of cereal and some pringles, and I think I need to drink a case of beer..lol


edit: So I think I am only relieved for my mom's sake. I'm now sad that this crap had to happen. And I think I miss Tiny more than I do my brother, if anybody knows me, they know how attached to dogs I get. She was my buddy, I missed having her curled up in bed next to me last night.

So I was just sitting here thinking and I think I made a realization about something. I haven't talked to a certain friend who lives out of state in over a month..however I did get a text saying that things with her and a certain somebody were over and she has found somebody new and better. Our conversations for the past few years have revolved around this other guy that she is done with, I've given advice, helped in any way I could. Became her shoulder everytime she needed to vent about him..putting my problems aside for the most part. And now, that problem is gone..she is with this other person, so I guess I'm not needed anymore..which explains why I haven't talked to her in over a month. I guess since there are no more problems or issues to vent about, let's just quit talking to me too. Wow, that's kinda fucked up. I'm the third person she's pushed out of her life just because she's so wrapped up in her own. If I ever treat anybody like that, somebody please kick my ass...hard.

Well at least I know who my real friends are.

My brother seriously needs to move out like right away. He is acting just like our dad, who is a very hateful person. Apparently all day today him and mom have been arguing. And he's started everything. He is being a very hateful person and lashing out at everybody, and nobody did anything to him. He's mad because mom takes out the trash and mows the yard, he treats her like a child who's incapable of doing anything. He's mad at me, my sister, and I'm not even sure what we did to make him mad. He has such a chip on his shoulder and he thinks everyone is out to get him so he is just yelling at everybody. When he was in oklahoma for a week, it was so nice, my mom was in a good mood, we went shopping, we played Wii..and when he's here, he's just constantly bitching about everyone and everything. All I have to say is he is going to be a lonely old man with nobody if he keeps this crap up cause my mom is about ready to tell him to go screw himself. He is definitely his father's son.

GAHHHHH!!

I hate crying when I watch movies and I try really hard not too..but dammit everytime I watch Rent I cry. Remind me to only watch that movie by myself so I don't make a fool out of myself in front of other people by crying..lol Speaking of movies, after reading the whole Twilight series, I am super excited for the movie, and I think after watching the trailer several times, the guy who plays Edward I think is going to be really good for that part. At first I really wasn't feeling him for the part, but I'm warming up to him.

There's really nothing else too exciting going on right now, well my hair is red again cause I missed being a redhead. We're selling our house and the plan is to move to Tucson..my sister lives there so it will be nice I guess. My Gee has pink/red hair and he looks like an elf..or as I said in my email to Kim..he looks like a crazy elf man..I'm kinda traumatized by that. *shakes head* what am I going to do with him..lol

Anyway, I guess that's it..my life is boring as usual.

A big bag of chocolate, some cheese. A case of redbull, some beer or wine, and a roll of cookie dough..lol

So I figured I would update something in here. I seem to be reverting now and going back to updating my myspace page more than here. But anyway, I had a really good weekend. Kim drove down, saw MCR on Sat night..holy crap is all I have to say. Got there after I got off work, got right in the front of the floor, basically second row. It was crazy, got beat up some, but if I had to do it all over again, I would. Seeing them guys that close..I have no words. And after the show, we got to meet Frankie!! Seriously, these two MCR shows made my year, and honestly, meeting Frank made my life. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me and I think I might be giddy about this for a very long time..lol.

Then Sunday at the spur of the moment, we decided to go to the Cardinals game. They were playing the Cubs, it was a very good game.

So baseball and My Chem in one weekend..not too shabby.

Other random things:

My itunes decided to go apeshit and chuck most of my music from my ipod so now I have to get most of my stuff back in there and reorganize everything again.

I'm just now getting over being sick for like two weeks

I need new jeans

I really like Drive By and I think I like Billy Talent too

I need the new MCR dvd now

I think I'm moving to Arizona

I wish I could sleep better

My computer is being a bastard lately, it hates me

I really want a Ron Weasley action figure..and a Yadier Molina jersey. The jersey costs like $250 cause its an authentic replica jersey, but I want it

We're taking mom to The Melting Pot for mother's day..I love that place. Fondue is fun!

I think that's all my randomness for right now. My internet explorer is now acting like a bitch so I better post this before it decides to freeze and I have to start all over.

Damn, the Cardinals are losing to the Giants..boo

Anyway, I watched that movie, The Mist today. It was good except I didn't know it had giant spiders in it. I was seriously cringing, holding my hand over my mouth. That was not cool. I can watch the scariest, bloodiest horror movie ever, but when I see a movie that has spiders, I kinda freak out a bit.

And I have a movie recommendation for anybody who has seen the Harry Potter movies and loves Rupert Grint like I do. Its called Driving Lessons and its a really cute movie, Rupert plays a kid from a strictly religious family who works for a kinda crazy former actress. Its a coming of age type story, but its nice to see him in another role besides Ron Weasley.

Oh well, I guess I'm gonna finish watching the Cards lose. Its the bottom of the 8th and they are down by 3. But Yadi kicked ass today, like always..lol

What the hell? Why did he get voted off? I seriously thought he was going to stay on the show alot longer. David C is really the only other one I'm rooting for now. And if David A wins, this show is seriously messed up. He's not that good, his voice is nasaly, he's not that cute. So you stupid teenage girls..quit voting for him just cause he's cute.

MCR next week..yay!! I was getting a bit worried this week cause I'm flying to Chicago for the show and I'm flying American. But they are supposed to have all their planes back in the air by Saturday, so that's good. I'm so happy my flight wasn't this week, I think I would have been seriously screwed..lol.

I am probably going to sound like a heartless bitch for saying this but..you know how American Idol has that Idol gives back show..for the homeless starving people in Africa? Well its a great idea, and I feel bad for them, I really do. But why are us Americans so concerned about the welfare of other countries? What about all the starving homeless people in the US? What are we doing to help them? Surely not raising 74 millions dollars like Idol did last year. Americans are dying on the streets, adults, kids. I think we should help ourselves first. Its bad enough we have millions of people who can't afford their house payments and their houses are going into forclosure, that people pass away and all of the surviving relatives benefits..gone, that my mom can't even afford health insurance for herself cause this country can't take care of its citizens.

Yeah I know I am rambling..it just seems like alot of the above crap is applying to me and my mom right now and its just pissing me off that we will probably have to move in a few months, unless my brother's court case gets settled and he gets his settlement money. So there's no telling where I'll be in a few months, unless we get a miracle. And miracles just never seem to happen to this family.

So, does anybody have about $200,000 we could borrow..lol For some extra cash, I've thought about selling my action figures, I have quite a collection and most of them are still in the boxes. I know I could make alot of money. Maybe I'll start selling some of my cd's and movies too. Goodness knows I have enough stuff I could get rid of..lol

Oh well, I'm crabby, I think I'm just gonna go to bed.

Why am I woohooing? Cause not only am I seeing MCR on May 3, but I'm also heading to Chicago to see them April 18. I seriously cannot contain my giddyness. My mood might be a bit better these days. I think having these two shows, plus Kim is coming down here to go to a Cards/Cubs baseball game in July, but having these things to look forward to is making my mood a bit brighter. I got my hair cut, I'm starting my dieting. Yes, my life still sucks ass, but I have to try to just keep going. I think right now, my biggest fear is that at 34 years old, I feel like my life is passing me by. I feel like I should be more independent, married, maybe have a kid and my own home. None of that has happened and I honestly think it will never happen. I feel like a real failure in that part of my life. But there's nothing I can really do about it.

Anyway, I really don't have anything else to blab about.

Well I guess I'll update this again. Nothing much really. But, first thing's first..My Chemical Romance...here....May 3....hell yes. To say I am excited would be an understatement. Seeing them in a small venue is how I have always wanted to see these guys. Kim is coming down here too to go to the show, so we get to bask in the Ard and the Torolicious(I left off the Chris cause well, he won't be there..lol) That's an inside joke I won't even bother to explain.

I think my Wii might be taking over my life. I got Guitar Hero and let's just say I am sitting here thinking about things I should be doing and all I want is to play it, even though I played it for 3 hours today. Its a very addicting game, hard, but alot of fun. And it was really fun to make My Chem into Mii's..heehee.

I am finally starting my diet, since over the last few months I have gained about 10 pounds..I have just been in my I don't care mode. Which I still feel like I am in, but I have to do something, I feel like shit, I don't eat or sleep well, I'm not taking care of myself. So its back to eating better and using my treadmill, I did go in the basement today to get it out of the corner and dust it off and plug it in. I have to do something though, I feel huge right now. My size 12 jeans are getting tighter and I am not going back to 14.

Oh well, I guess that's it for now.

Wow, I haven't updated this thing in ages. But I know nobody reads it anymore so I guess that's why I never bother with it. All I seem to do when I post is bitch anyway..lol. But, even though nobody reads it, its still someplace to vent things. So what has been going on? Well I was going to ND back on October but that got cancelled cause my stepdad had a stroke and passed away. So things have pretty much sucked since then. Me and my mom are trying to figure out how to not lose the house and pay the bills. And on top of it, I'm just sad. I miss him. I'm having a really hard time with it and even though I am always putting on the happy face for everybody, and everybody thinks, oh she's dealing with it fine, I'm really not. I don't think anybody understands how much this has affected me and I don't feel like I can talk about it to anybody. I feel like people are always coming to me with thier problems and issues and I am always the shoulder, but what about me? Where's my shoulder? I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel misunderstood, I feel like why would anybody want to be around me. I feel like a loser, I'm fat, ugly, have a dead end job where I'm not appreciated, I still live at home. I have no man in my life cause, well look at me. Who would want this? I'm depressed, I'm happier being at home in bed watching tv. I have no desire to do anything. Any desire I may have had is gone, I feel empty. I can't seem to get excited about anything anymore. I feel like I am a burden to everybody and wonder if life would be easier on everybody if I wasn't here. Have I thought about that thing that I can't even say? Sure, I have alot. Who hasn't when their depressed? Sometimes I think it would just be easier. This life that has been given to me is not what I want, my life is not what I thought it would be by the time I was 34. I guess that's why I don't believe there is a god, cause if there was, he wouldn't be doing this to me. What have I done to be given a life so awful?

Anyway, I'll shut up about this now and continue to keep putting on that happy face for everybody. I'm actually pretty good at it.

At least one good thing came out of my stepdad's death, my mom and sister resolved their problems and they are talking again.

I was able to go on a mini vacation over new years to Chicago. It was alot of fun. I wish I could afford to quit my job and run away and go to all kinds of different places by myself. Where nobody can find me, that would be nice.

So I thought I would post since I haven't in a long time. What have I been up to..I went to Tucson to visit my sister in August, that was a fun trip. In Sep I went to Chicago to go to Projekt Revolution, we had pit tickets. My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park were absolutely incredible. There isn't anything better than a rock show in the pit. It was a fun time. I'm going to ND to visit Jess for a long weekend next week. I need a break for sure.

Other than that, things are still the same. Life still sucks, but what can you do? I think I'm trying to get a cold, and I've done nothing for the last few days except watch Star Wars and Harry Potter movies. Oh, that's also what I did, I decided to start reading the Harry Potter books, it took me about 2 months, but that't all I did with my spare time was read..lol

Oh and I have to comment on the distress that I feel..why in the hell did The Spice Girls sell out a show in under a minute? Why? They suck..they have no talent, why are people so excited about them? They sucked the first time around, I just don't get it. And Victoria Beckham is a huge biatch..I watched her reality show and all it proves to me is she is a spoiled rich bitch, I don't get why people like her. Oh well, that's my gripe for the month..lol

So if anybody still reads my journal, I am selling some nsync things on ebay. I just have too much stuff, I need to get rid of some of it.

http://cm.ebay.com/cm/ck/1065-29296-2357-0?uid=6361127&site=0&ver=LCA080805&item=260144343531&lk=URL

Well, things really haven't changed too much with me, I'm still depressed I think, but whatever, nobody really seems to care about me lately.

But I do have a few things to gripe about, why in the hell are The Spice Girls getting back together? Didn't they suck bad enough the first time around? All they are going to do is dance around and lip sync like they did the first time. Most pop stars these days seem to have forgotten they can actually sing live if they want to, but they don't. I guess that's why I love rock music so much, no lip syncing, you actually get to see a live performance. And the Backstreet Boys, why are they coming out with another cd? Boy bands like them are so beyond being out right now, they are going to bomb, like their last cd bombed. And yes I would say the same thing if Nsync were to do another cd, they would bomb too. The music scene right now is so beyond the poppy boy band stuff.

I am way too excited to go to Projekt Revolution in Sept, Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance, I think I could die happy..lol.

I'm visiting my sister in Tucson next month, I can't wait. Althought I wasn't too excited to hear that American Airlines is bad at cancelling flights and that DFW airport is a bad place to connect. I was reading this report that said more flights with American going out of DFW get cancelled. But I have to connect in Dallas cause there are no nonstop flights to Tucson. Oh well. I guess I'll shut up now.

So I went to this site that screens for depression, and this is what it told me..


Results and recommendations

Your screening results indicate a high likelihood that you are suffering from severe depression.

Your answers also show you might be at risk for harming yourself.

You are advised to see your doctor or a mental health professional immediately for a complete evaluation - or dial "911" - or call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). - or go immediately to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for an evaluation.

This screening is not a substitute for a complete clinical evaluation.

The good news is clinical depression is a very treatable illness. Almost everyone who receives appropriate treatment can soon feel better.




Should I really take this seriously? hmmm